Newsletter 5From: Lucas T. Bear Esq.
Therefore please find attached a Valentine's card from our charmless Cupid, together with some doggerel he wrote after spending an evening in the company of his Auntie RG. Just be grateful he didn't use his first attempt at poetry ("There was a young Bear from Venus/Whose ears were shaped like...") And - in case you were wondering - the chair leg dumped him Enjoy Carol Newsletter 6From: Lucas T. Bear Esq.
For a first attempt they were OK (although before he tries again, someone will have to explain that cooking with 'natural gas' does not require the prior consumption of a can of beans). However, I suspect Jamie Oliver won't have to worry about any competition (see attached photo). Meanwhile Hugquarters has issued the following statement: "Mr Lucas T. Bear would like to deny reports in the media relating to his activities with a certain internationally famous fantasy author at a recent Science Fiction convention. Their friendship is purely platonic. It was strictly hugs only and besides, he doesn't even own a Chelsea strip." Ever the gentleman, Lucas will respond to further questions only with a polite "No comment" and the cheerful application of a headbutt to the kneecaps. However photos are available at http://www.ursanity.com/2262/furred/hood.html and serious enquirers with sufficient cash should contact his agent Max Cliffurred (Martin Bashir need not apply) Well how else can he to afford to get the lipstick dry-cleaned out of his fur? Enjoy Carol Newsletter 7From: Lucas T. Bear Esq.
Inspired by all the other fund-raising activities last week, Lucas decided to do his own thing for Red Nose day. He challenged all the other bears in the hug to a staring contest with the losers giving their pocket money to Comic Relief We don't know who's won yet.... It's been over 3 days now. Join in the contest via "Stare Cam" at but if you lose, consider giving some cash to Comic Relief. Try not to win; bears don't get much pocket money, are sore losers and will give you free lesson in the corrosive effects of Bear piddle on shoe leather. Other news - Universal Ursine has just released "Lucas in Wonderland" a slide show/video of some of Lucas's adventures at Redemption '03. A Windows Media version of it is online (it's 3.4 megs). A QuickTime version is in the works. - Although it seems longer, the FoF newsletter has been going for 9 months now and we've picked up a lot of new subscribers recently(mostly kicking and screaming). Therefore our little furry webmasters have thoughtfully added this newsletter archive to help get everyone up to date. You probably won't learn anything useful (like the real story of Lucas, the lawnmower and the guy in the wookie costume) but the photos are cute. And last but not least: prior to embarking on his epic staring contest, Lucas spent some time getting into training for St Patrick's' Day and managed to become one with his gods - see attached photo. Children - don't try this at home.
Carol
Newsletter 8From: Lucas T. Bear Esq. Greetings Friend of the Fur Having left the health farm early after they refused to wax his bikini line, Lucas has just returned from a weekend break in Wales. He enthusiastically tried all the traditional local activities - eating daffodils, sheep worrying, watching England win at Rugby, and even managed to get in a round of golf. Photos will be forthcoming just as soon as he gets back from Church with the roll of film [Note to self: must explain to him that is NOT what is meant by a "1-hour service"]. Meanwhile there are a few other titbits of news (courtesy of some unsuspecting Friends of the Fur): ************ "Fur-ther to unBEARable accusations and photos - I've gained a Bad Reputation only about 10% of it deserved. Unfortunately. However, in the case of Lucas T. Bear - well, why deny it. I confess. But the temptation was irresistible. ( If you've not met this bear - judge ye not ) Of course, I know I wasn't the fur-st...' 'Press please note: All further revelations have been bought by BEAR AND GARDEN magazine... " *********** Additionally, anyone who saw this year's Valentines Card will be concerned to learn that this nearly paw-nographic photo may be featured in the next volume of memoirs from 'Mr Michael'. Lucas is frantically saving his pocket money to buy as many copies as possible before they fall into the wrong hands (in this case, "the wrong hands" is defined as "anybody else's"). ********** And finally, a good Friend of the Fur (and Lucas's official wig maker) has recently been working over at Pinewood near the set for Tomb Raider 2. Bear-smuggling plans are being made with a view to blagging our way onto the set and getting a few photos of Lucas in situ (he's got a crush on Angelina Jolie). Stay tuned 'Doors to manual' Carol PS. Almost forgot to mention - since it's April 1st, naturally one of the above bits of news is a hoax. There is no prize for correctly guessing which one - although a bear may come round and slobber on you if you get it wrong. Find out which is it by opening the attached image and avoid such a fate. Newsletter 9
I'm not sure why but lately Da Bearz have been ominously well-behaved. Maybe it's because I've recently been considering the whole "space" issue - or rather the lack thereof. From past experience I've found that they always get a bit subdued if I start making regular forays into the attic with a bear-sized storage box . Alternatively perhaps they're just trying to wheedle their way into more quality time with my shiny new broadband connection and a credit card. Either way, I'm pretty sure they're up to something. So far this summer, they've produced the first Bear-only version of Casablanca, played a mean practical joke on Lucas (with a little unwitting help from Sandi Toksvig), added their own version of the Mona Lisa to their online gallery and taken an advanced course in Looking Innocent. There's probably more to come but everything perpetrated so far can be seen online via http://www.ursanity.com/da_lair The only exception to this industrious mood is Lucas - the Toulouse Lautrec of Stealth Hugging. Concerned as always about his image, he's been looking for ways to retain his youthful good looks. Fortunately I've managed to talk him out of having Botox injections but I'm not sure that the alternative he finally chose was really much better (see attached, although American FoFs will be excused for not getting the joke). I suppose I should just be grateful he isn't still trying to get his nipples pierced**. Lucas was also stunned to learn that someone (and you know who you are) actually fell for his last April Fool's joke. Based on that success he is now considering a career in either politics or used car sales. At present he favours the latter as it is more socially acceptable. I have to finish there, I've just learned that Da Bearz are actually plotting to Flash Mob the Hutton enquiry. Although it's an appealing concept, I'll never be able to afford the bail. So many bears, so little hope.
(PA to Lucas The Bear) ************* PPS **re: Nipple piercing: Oh bother, my AUNT is going to read this..... From: Lucas T Bear My apologies to everyone who opened this e-mail thinking it would contain another stunning Halloween pose from L.T Bear Esq. There's a photo attached but it was taken under duress. Lucas has gone on strike Showing an uncharacteristic flair for zeitgeist, he announced that he is working to 'drool'. I'm not sure if that's what he really means but I'm wearing my waterproofs just in case. The reasons for the present ursine unrest are unclear. Possibly he just wants an increase in his honey allowance (London weighting) but I suspect he really resented being dragged away from a Tanith Lee story on BBC7 in order to pose for photos (which might also explain his preoccupation with drool). Industrial negotiations are proceeding slowly and are not helped by Lucas's habit of sitting in the corner and sulking every time he doesn't get his way. Anyway ACAS are on standby so I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile Autumn life in the Lair has been pretty quiet as Da Bearz prepare themselves for hi-bear-nation. This is largely an excuse for guzzling as much food as possible as quickly as possible. During this process Lucas discovered the joy of microwave porridge. He also discovered, in quick succession, the meaning of the terms "Vesuvius" and "Dry Cleaning Bill". In preparation for their little nap, there's been a lot of ursine meditation going on and things got a bit painful when some wag inverted Lucas's book of yoga poses. Frankly, I never realised that a paw could fit in a space that small. I think Lucas was a bit surprised too. Fortunately the physiotherapist says he'll be fine as long as he never tries the "Flying Hippo" pose again. The only really enterprising member of the hug recently has been the newcomer, Elliot who enjoys playing Nermal to Lucas's Garfield (we're pretty sure he was behind the whole Yoga incident as well). Elliot's ambitions are literally out of this world as he became the first hug member to 'boldly go...'. Or perhaps he's just a bit more talented at using Photoshop than I thought. You can judge for yourself here: http://www.ursanity.com/2262/alt-b5/space.htm I'd better finish now. Lucas has just wandered past carrying a copy of "Voguing for Dummies" and it's going to get messy if Elliot finds out. Oh yeah - Happy Halloween/Samhain!! Carol (PA to Lucas The Bear) From: Lucas T. Bear Well this *was* going to be a detailed review of the year but it seems that those round-robin e-mails are regarded as a cliché now. It's such a pity since I was really looking forward to telling you all about Lucas's recent bout of chronic hypergastroplosia and the fun we had clearing up after Elliot discovered the alcohol content of mouthwash. Instead, I'd planned to announce the recipient of this year's Bear of The Year award (aka "Pup Idol"). However, most of the bears were getting a bit grizzly since Lucas always rigs....er...wins it and Elliot was last seen staggering towards the door with the trophy poorly concealed under his fur. So we've given up on that for now as well. To be honest, a review of the year is normally quite short since Da Bears spend the first third of it in hibernation (oh joy) and it takes most of the Spring to get them out of bed; Bears are not 'morning' people. After that though, it's all systems go as - with many cries of "Does my bum look big in this?" - they struggle to slip gracefully into their speedos and head for the beach to bask in the sun. I've given up trying to explain about sun block - they just drink it anyway. Once the clocks go back and the nights start to draw in, furry thoughts turn lightly to get-rich-quick scams. Long-standing Friends of the Fur will remember last year's Halloween attempts to demand honey with menaces. This year, they got a bit more ambitious and several of them have spent the holiday season working as Santa's little hindrances in a local department store. I'm not entirely sure what angle they're working but I saw a hurriedly-drawn poster for classes in "Elf-awareness" and I have a bad feeling about it. Fortunately Lucas has remained aloof from the current money-making rackets. He has loftier ambitions and announced early in December that he was shelving his plans to become an Elvis impersonator and was going to the North Pole to meet Santa instead. Naturally this announcement was met with universal derision from the other Bears, in fact several of them are still suffering from quiplash. Nevertheless Lucas remained undeterred and last week he met a dance troupe from Poland who would help him attain his goal. However, on closer examination, the truth came out and now I've got to explain to him that going "Pole Dancing in 'Lapland'. " is not quite the same thing. In the middle of all this frantic activity, somehow we've been able to co-ordinate 9 bears (well 8 bears and Elliot with a hat on) with a camera to produce the annual Christmas Special. More information - and links to it in various formats - is at http://www.ursanity.com/da_lair/index.html (together with a link to the advent calendar which I forgot to mention earlier - sorry). And the mandatory Bear Christmas card is also attached. Lucas was feeling pretty curmudgeonly this year which might help explain it. That hypergastroplosia can be pretty nasty (or in Lucas's own words "I Did Not Fart, My Arse Was Merely Applauding"). See you all in 2004 (as long as Lucas doesn't start lighting them). Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all Bears....and other species. Carol (PA to Lucas The Bear) |
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